from may 2013....




silent.

its the little things. the way the boyfriend put a little pretty rock on her cushion when she wasn't there. and how i watched her find it as she sat down. holding it in her hand. turning it over. silently. the little bright orange spotted lizard i saw on the path. perfectly still. waiting. the way hoodie held the door open for me and our eyes met as i smiled. 

these are the things that matter the most. 

in the midst of the silence
the older woman and how she sat peacefully in that chair when she meditated with the slightest smile on her face.  instead of my breath, i watched her. i meditated on her. i watched her when she ate, so slowly, so peacefully.  i watched how she carefully wrapped her two left over pieces of tofu in saran wrap and put it in the far corner of the fridge door with her initials on it and left it there for the rest of the retreat. later there was a cookie next to it. same initials. wrapped in saran wrap.  the way the girl with the beautiful hair let her shirt slip down over her shoulder, just a little, exposing her tattoo.  the way it might have been an accident, but wasn't. the way some people are louder then others, even when they're silent. 

i stood as close as i could get to it and looked up at the tree. i saw a whole other world. little moss crystals. stars. scattered across the horizon. bursting into energy. green. bright green. "how did you get so beautiful?" I asked it.  he didn't say anything, so i asked him again, "yes. but how did you get so beautiful?" nothing. "wait. but, how did you get so beautiful?" still nothing. 

j. 
the thoughts in my mind. still there. still there. the beautiful things that won't leave us alone. the beautiful people. the magical people in our lives. who live on. even on a silent meditation retreat. 
i will dance with you. 
why is everything so beautiful? 

its the little things. 

"faith puts us on a new path."  the buddhist monk said at the end of his sermon.  i felt my heart swell up. dear lord. "just the littlest bit is all you need." dear lord again. dear lord. the perfectly enlightened one. how come i cry when i finally see myself clearly? i was there all along. i was there all along. "but how did you get so beautiful?"  how did you get so beautiful? how did you get so beautiful? there is something more beautiful then my heart can imagine.  then i can hold within myself. where is it? how did it get here? how did it get here? how did it find its way in each of us? why can you see it coming out of our eyes? we shine with it. we hold it in our hand. how did we get so beautiful? how? how did we do it? 
every day i tell my cat, "you're the best cat! how did you do it?" he squints his little eyes at me over and over again. 
he doesn't know either. 

that is just how it is.

i came thinking, no expecting, to become filled with sadness. to really feel it. but i was filled with joy instead. i was surrounded with beauty.  

"grace meets you… exactly in the moment when you're most terrified that you're going to be found out and when you're most acutely aware of everything that you're not."  (RB)

"there are two ways through life; the way of nature and the way of grace. you have to chose which one you'll follow. grace doesn't try to please itself. it accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked, accepts insults and injuries.… nature only wants to please itself. it finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it, when love is smiling through all things."  (TM)

"to be wrong, all along and admit it, is not amazing grace, but to be loved like a song you remember even when you've changed."  (BC)

to be loved. 

what are we doing here?

christ died for my sins. 

what does that mean?

my sins. what is that?

i was filled with joy instead.  i remembered who i am. i remembered how beautiful i am. i remembered.  

$40 for a van ride. never got to officially meet milton. smiled at him twice though. free ride offer. time lapse videos of things growing. seeds with just a little bit of water.  growing.

instead i paid $40 to meet hoodie. his name's aaron. aaron birk. he is an illustrator. an illustrator of revolution. a revolution of beauty. 
create beauty where there is none. where there once was some, where it has been destroyed and you will see.  a revolution of beauty.
create beauty
but why?
because christ died for my sins. 
my sins.
and i don't even know what that means. 
i don't know what that means. 

i came there expecting to meet the sadness within me. 
there was a painting on the wall. in the bottom right corner it said, "try not to expect anything. in this way everything will open up to you." so i didn't. instead i found that the joy was there all along. it was the sadness that was just sitting fucking on top of it. geez. 

how did you get so beautiful?

yeah, but how did you get so beautiful?

it was like you were there all along.